The Archbishop

The third episode of The Black Adder (The Archbishop) begins with a deathbed scene. The dying man is the Duke of Winchester and his two attendees - Godfrey, Archbishop of Canterbury and King Richard IV. Whilst Richard urged the Duke to leave his fortune to his beloved king, Godfrey was able to conjure images of 'enormous devils [breaking] wind both night and day', and of the Duke's bottom being 'never free from the pricking of little forks'.

Of course, the Archbishop's hellish visions win the day, and the Duke duly signs over his lands to the Church. However, he comes upon a most sticky death, being gored in the stomach by the King's hired hit man Sir Tavish Mortimer wearing a spiked helmet. It was a dangerous time to be Archbishop of Canterbury, two previous Archbishops had suffered from being hit on the head with a 'gargoyle whilst swimming off Beachy Head',and even more fantastically, 'falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral'. So, as one can imagine, it wasn't a happy Black Adder, who became Edmund the Unwilling, Archbishop of Canterbury.

Things generally go quite well for the new Archbishop. He manages to avoid the wrath of the King by convincing the next landed nobleman in his death throes that he should sign over his lands to the Crown. He does this by telling him, that as he is amongst other things a serial adulterer, he will have the time of his life in hell, rather than heaven. Heaven, he explains, is for people who like 'singing, talking to God and watering pot plants', whereas hell is for people who like 'adultery, pillage, torture'.

The Archbishop and his two sidekicks, Percy, newly created Bishop of Ramsgate and Brother Baldrick, happen upon a number of money making schemes, including 'curses, pardons, relics and selling the sexual favours of nuns'. The most lucrative scheme seemed to be relics, as Percy had bought 'a finger from our Lord' for 31 pieces of silver that Baldrick had available in boxes of ten. But then as we know, that says more about Percy than the fake relics.

But, trouble is afoot. As the King ad Queen discuss Edmund over dinner, it seems that the King is at last pleased with his second son. Indeed, he says that unlike his ancestor Henry II he will never have to say 'Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?' However, the Queen is a little hard of hearing so Richard has to repeat himself on a number of occasions, finally shouting so loud that two knights heard it and rushed off to Canterbury to murder the current Archbishop...